


Who's the Selfish One Now?

by CaffeinatedVerbiage (TheAlternativeRuler)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode 50: Ally x And x Sword, Gen, M/M, Yorkshin City | Yorknew City Arc (Hunter X Hunter), could be romantic or platonic Killugon, more to come though because I missed these characters so much, this is my first HxH fic and also just my first fic in a while lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:08:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24123379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAlternativeRuler/pseuds/CaffeinatedVerbiage
Summary: Gon is suddenly more scared than he was when that Spider-woman grabbed him before he could even try to bolt, more scared than when two insanely dangerous criminals were using a coin toss to determine whether or not he would be tortured for information he didn’t even have, more scared than he’s been in any of the life-threatening situations he’s gotten himself into since the Hunter exam began. Because this time it’s not his own life that’s on the line. It’s not the possibility of his own death that he has to confront, it’s Killua’s, and that’s…Gon won’t accept it, he can’t.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	Who's the Selfish One Now?

**Author's Note:**

> I started rewatching HxH (it's been roughly six years since the first and only time I watched it all the way through wowza) and I’m hooked all over again! I have a bunch of ideas for fics, but I need practice writing with these characters, so here’s some introspective Gon from one of my favorite episodes in the Yorknew arc (featuring a scene-retelling from his POV and a possible continuation from the end of the ep).

Killua insists that they don’t stop running until they get to a train station, wanting to put as much distance between the two of them and the Spiders’ hideout as possible. They’re still not that far away; Gon has seen how fast they can move, and if the guy who was watching them figured out that they’d already left the building, he could easily catch up. He knows that the Troupe was prepared to kill them, that it didn’t matter if they were kids or if they caught their interest for whatever reason. If they’re captured again, there’s basically no chance that they’ll make it out alive.

He knows this, he isn’t stupid (despite what everyone seems to think), and it’s not like he wants to die. He knows that it’s important to stay focused, that he has to prioritize their escape, and make sure that they live long enough to get in contact with Kurapika. He knows it, but it doesn’t stop him from thinking about other things anyway, like his own safety and how little it matters when it comes to protecting what’s important to him, like Killua’s safety and the lengths he’d go to maintain it, like sacrifices and selfishness and how dangerous their world is in ways that he’d never fathomed before he left Whale Island.

Gon can’t help but think about being trapped in that tiny room, a ruthless killer between them and the only exit, and Killua’s stupid plan.

.-.-.-.

_Gon hisses, clutching his injured right hand and internally cursing the Spiders._

_The one blocking the exit is sitting there casually, confident that the two of them won't even try to escape. It makes him so mad that this awful person who can cry over the death of his friend, yet easily kill innocent people, actually thinks that he can get them to join his band of murderous thieves. That he’s holding them there against their will when he knows that they can’t tell him anything, that they openly despise the Troupe. He hates feeling so helpless. He hates knowing that people underestimate him, even as he overestimates his own abilities. He hates that guys like this one and Hisoka and the Nen users back at the Heavens Arena think that they can mess with him and that he won’t, or can’t, do something about it. He hates─_

_“No, you’re wrong!”_

_That was Killua, who’s been silently brooding since they were thrown in this makeshift cell. Gon stares intently, wondering what set Killua off. He’s obviously furious, his aura emanating malice and bloodlust in a way that it hasn’t in ages._

_“Pretty scary! If looks could kill, huh?” their captor says, chuckling as he rises into an offensive stance, hand placed near the hilt of his blade in preparation. “I should warn you: step into range and I’ll cut you down.”_

_Gon, sure that Killua will do the rational thing and stand down, is shocked as his friend takes slow, intentional steps towards the door._

_“Killua!” he yells in panic, but it’s like he can’t hear him, deafened by his own resolve._

_He stops mere feet away from the man and seems to come back to himself, taking a shaky breath before striding towards the back of the room and aggressively punching the concrete wall behind them. Gon glances at him in concern, then scans their room once again, wondering if they can even attempt an escape without being sliced in half._

_In an effort to divert Killua’s attention from their pretty desperate situation, Gon starts talking, “Hey, I wonder if Leorio is okay. I really hope he was able to get a hold of Zepile-san.”_

_Looking over to see Killua’s reaction, Gon notices his hands clasped tightly around one another, as if to hold himself back from punching something a little livelier than a wall. He’s trembling, hunched over, and closed off. It worries Gon and he prods, “Killua? You okay?”_

_“Yeah,” Killua says, but he doesn’t meet Gon’s eyes and his voice sounds so hollow._

_Gon looks forward once again, locking eyes with the Spider for a second. Something is niggling at him, like the obvious answer to a question is just sitting right in front of him and he’s still not seeing it._

_“Let’s see…Zepile-san taught us cauterization, autopsy, and something else,” Gon turns to Killua, hoping to pull him away from his own jagged edges and back to Gon’s side where he belongs, “Remember what it was?”_

_“I forgot,” Killua replies blankly._

_“Was it osmosis, maybe? I don’t think it was, but I just don’t know…” he’s basically thinking aloud at this point, trying to fill the silence between them that’s oddly unsettling._

_“Gon,” Killua says suddenly, sounding more like himself. Gon makes a questioning sound in relief, willing to drop the subject and talk about whatever it is that Killua wants._

_“I’ll be the decoy. Wait for it and then try to escape.”_

_Gon hears the words, hears how serious Killua is, and it makes his heart skip a beat before fluttering frantically in his chest like a caged bird._

_“What are you talking about?” he says, sounding angry and feeling terrified. He thinks he knows what Killua means, but Killua’s smarter than he is, so maybe he figured out a way to escape without getting one or both of them killed?_

_The guy guarding the door finally pipes up, sighing deeply before boldly stating, “Look, seriously, forget all about it. You’re good enough to recognize the difference in our abilities. You won’t catch me off guard.”_

_Killua says nothing, he just continues to glare at the Spider, and Gon has no idea what his friend is thinking until he stands up and shouts defiantly, “Shut up, all right!? The only way I’ll find out is if I try!”_

_It_ could _still be a plan that doesn’t end with Killua bloody and lifeless on the floor of this abandoned building, but the chances of that are dwindling by the second. Gon is suddenly more scared than he was when that Spider-woman grabbed him before he could even try to bolt, more scared than when two insanely dangerous criminals were using a coin toss to determine whether or not he would be tortured for information he didn’t even have, more scared than he’s been in any of the life-threatening situations he’s gotten himself into since the Hunter exam began. Because this time it’s not his own life that’s on the line. It’s not the possibility of his own death that he has to confront, it’s Killua’s, and that’s…Gon won’t accept it, he can’t._

_When he’s with Killua, he feels like he can do anything, like he can learn Nen in under four hours instead of the several months it normally takes; like he can challenge Hisoka in a fight and actually land a punch worthy of handing back that damn badge; like he can make 8.9 billion Jenny in a few short days, all to buy a ridiculously expensive video game; like he can find his father who’s made it clear that, as elusive as he already is, he’ll be trying even harder to hide from Gon in particular. When they’re together, he feels young and alive and powerful, knowing that Killua’s there to back him up and so secure in the belief that they can accomplish anything they set their minds to. He knows that he would die for Killua without a moment’s hesitation. He’d endure any threat or any pain, he’d sacrifice everything for this person who’s stuck by him and befriended him and grown with him even in the short time that they’ve known each other._

_Gon doesn’t have to be scared when Killua fills him with so much confidence and joy that he could burst, but the thought of losing that? Losing him? No, he couldn’t bear it, he can’t even entertain the concept of a world without Killua in it._

_Surging forward, Gon places a hand on Killua’s shoulder and tries to hold him back with that alone, shouting anxiously and insistently, “Killua, what are you thinking about doing?”_

_Killua doesn’t move, but he says resolutely, “I’ll stop his shodachi, even if it kills me. When I do, you run away!”_

_Heart plummeting into his stomach, hearing the answer that he knew was coming and still wasn’t prepared to hear, Gon glares. Rage and indignation burn at the edges of his fear and consume him. He nearly growls as he lifts his hand from Killua’s shoulder and balls it into a fist, smacking the back of Killua’s head in an attempt to knock some sense into this suicidal dumbass._

_Killua’s own anger boils to the surface and he grabs the front of Gon’s jacket, pulling him closer so he can yell directly into his face, “What the hell was that for, huh!?”_

_The question makes him even angrier. Does Killua not understand his own plan? Did the Spiders mess with his head somehow? He’s usually so reasonable and cautious! Gon doesn’t know what to do about this other person who throws himself headfirst into danger on the off chance that one of them might make it, who can talk about sacrificing himself for Gon like it’s not this horrible, soul-crushing thing that makes Gon want to scream. Doesn’t he realize that nothing would matter anymore if he died? That Gon would just get himself killed too trying to avenge his best friend? That Gon has developed this need for Killua that he can’t explain and that Killua’s death would destroy him? How can he be so…so─_

_“Stop being so selfish!” Gon responds accusingly, flushed with anger._

_“Huh?” Killua exclaims, somehow still not seeing his own idiocy._

_“Don’t talk about dying like it’s no big deal!” Gon yells in frustration, needing Killua to understand how wrong it is. How wrong it would be if he were to die. How nothing would ever be right again._

_He doesn’t though, instead arguing, “Why not? You did! You said the same thing earlier!”_

_Gon flashes back to himself, declaring that he would rather die than become a member of the Phantom Troupe. It’s not the same thing at all, in his opinion, but still─_

_“I’m allowed to!” he leans even further into Killua’s hold on him, stubborn and desperate to get his point across, “But you’re not, do you hear me!?”_

_Killua actually pulls back, staring at him in outraged confusion, “Huh!?”_

_The Spider laughs and says something about Enhancers, but Gon isn’t listening, still focused on Killua and trying to determine whether or not he’s going to give up his ridiculous plan._

_Yanking him closer once more, Killua yells, “We can’t escape unless we’re prepared to die, you stupid little jerk!” he pushes Gon away angrily and lets go of him, “You don’t know what I was thinking! So, tell me, who’s the selfish one now!?”_

.-.-.-.

Gon had answered sarcastically at the time, but as they’re running through Yorknew City, he wonders. 

Is he selfish? He’d called Killua the same thing for being so willing to throw his life away and his friend hadn’t understood why. Normally, people would view that kind of sacrifice as the most selfless thing a person could do, but that’s not how he sees it. To Gon, it would be like Killua was betraying him. How could he be so careless with something so important to Gon? Something, but really some _one,_ that he would do anything to protect? Anyone who put Killua in danger would earn Gon’s hatred, even if that person was Killua himself. 

But he’s reminded of his own words upon their escape: _“It’s my job to be reckless, and it’s your job to stay cool and keep me in line!”_

Killua had called him selfish then too, but that’s their dynamic, isn’t it? Gon can admit that he’s kind of a persistent, hot-headed person. When it comes to people who don’t fight fair or who try to needlessly hurt others, or when Gon feels belittled by an opponent, or when he’s faced with a challenge that he just might be able to overcome if he gives it absolutely everything he’s got, then he can’t think straight. There isn’t much that Gon isn’t willing to face head-on, and Killua is the exact opposite. He’s always so careful, calculating the probability of success in any given scenario and willing to change his strategy or even back down if need be. The fact that he knows Gon so well, consistently able to predict when he’ll try to push his luck too far, makes Killua the one person who Gon trusts wholeheartedly with his plans, his life, his everything.

Well, maybe not everything, since apparently he can’t trust Killua with _Killua_ anymore.

That certainly wasn’t an issue he’d ever thought he’d come across. He knows that Killua cares about him, obviously, but he’s also fully aware of Killua’s sense of self-preservation (which is honestly at an appropriate level for anyone who does what they do; Gon’s definitely an outlier and he knows that). He never imagined that Killua would actually, voluntarily sacrifice his own life, especially when the situation didn’t call for it. Even if they hadn’t escaped, even if they’d met the Troupe’s boss, he had a hard time believing that they’d be killed. The Spiders may be murderers, but they don’t seem like the type to waste a potential resource. If they really believed in that one woman’s hunch that they were connected to the chain user somehow, then they wouldn’t have killed their hostages and lost that opportunity forever. But, more importantly, he and Killua hadn’t even tried to escape yet! They didn’t discuss their options, they didn’t try to figure out another way to get past their guard, Killua didn’t even consult him before deciding to try his insane plan!

Killua had surprised him─which Gon didn’t think he could do anymore, given how much time they spend together─and it wasn’t a pleasant one. He doesn’t want to think about what would’ve happened if Killua hadn’t alerted him first, if he hadn’t been able to stop him from making such a stupid move. Seriously, Killua thinks he’s the idiot?

…is he? He really had called Killua selfish for being willing to do basically the same thing that Gon claimed only he could do. Gon would let anything happen to himself as long as it meant Killua would be okay, and not to try and play the hero or anything! He just can’t stand the thought of Killua being harmed when he could’ve done something to stop it. It would eat him up inside, he’d never be able to move past his own failure to protect someone he cares about. The pain of that loss…nothing would matter anymore, it would be too much.

But…that’s what he’d be leaving Killua with, right? If he went and did something dumb, pissed off the wrong person and got them both in trouble (something he’s done in the past), and then given himself up to save his best friend, wouldn’t Killua feel the same? That guilt, wouldn’t it hurt him too? Then, Gon _would_ be hurting Killua, he’d be leaving him behind to deal with that feeling all on his own. By that logic, if it’s selfish for Killua to die for Gon, then shouldn’t the reverse also be true? Is that what he meant before?

Gon frowns and, unconsciously, comes to a halt.

It takes Killua a fraction of a second to notice, and he stops himself a few paces ahead of Gon. He glares in confused annoyance and yells, “Oi, Gon, we have to keep going! If he’s made it through the building already, he could be on us in less than a minute!”

Gon is staring down at his own feet, lost in thought, not hearing Killua at all.

With a huff, Killua walks back towards him, raising his hand to flick Gon’s forehead (his signature move) when Gon suddenly looks up and locks eyes with him. Killua pauses, eyebrow raised questioningly, and Gon imagines those incredibly blue eyes losing their characteristic sparkle of mischief or flash of irritation in exchange for a blank, lifeless stare. Gon can’t stop himself from reaching up to brush his fingers under Killua’s eye just to make sure the image in his mind wasn’t real.

Killua stiffens visibly and his cheeks start to color in embarrassed outrage, “Gon, _what_ are you doing? I told you, we can’t stop here.”

He drops his hand, but not his gaze, and puts as much sincerity into his voice as he possibly can when he says, “Killua, I’m sorry.”

He scoffs, looking at Gon with his standard ‘you’re a dumbass’ face, “What are you sorry for? Not listening to me? You never do anyways. I don’t know what was so important that you couldn’t─”

“No,” he cuts Killua off, shaking his head, “I’m sorry for being selfish. You’re right, what I said before, it wasn’t fair.”

“What?” Killua blinks at him.

“I was being stupid. I can’t be mad at you for almost getting yourself killed when I’m the one who put you in that position in the first place. And I can’t expect you not to try to protect me when I know I’d do the same for you,” Gon smiles, softly and apologetically. “Because we’re friends, and that means we care about each other, right? So it’s not fair for me to die and leave you to deal with my mess when I know how much it would hurt me if I didn’t have you in my life anymore, Killua. So, I’m sorry.”

Killua’s blushing like he always does when Gon verbally acknowledges their relationship and how much it means to him, and he reaches up to deliver the forehead-flick that he’d been denied before.

“Owwwww! That hurt!” Gon pouts, rubbing the sore spot, “If you didn’t want to accept my apology, you could’ve just said!”

Killua smirks, just a little, and turns to continue in the direction they were headed in. “No, you’re forgiven. That was for being embarrassing, and also for being an idiot. Honestly, couldn't you have realized all of this before?”

Gon smiles and follows him, breaking out into a run once more. “You know, if I hadn’t been selfish and hit you, you might’ve died before I figured out the ostomy thing!”

“Maybe, but don’t expect me to thank you for something you just apologized for!” Killua calls out over his shoulder as Gon catches up with him.

“If anything, we should thank Zepile-san!” Gon remarks.

“We can find him later, I’m sure he and the other old man are getting on just fine,” Killua says with an eye-roll.

Gon laughs, “You’re probably right! We’ll focus on finding Kurapika for now.”

Killua makes a sound of agreement and the two continue running, their determination building. Gon is ready; he wants to be strong enough to stand against the Phantom Troupe like Kurapika can. He wants to be strong enough to beat anyone who tries to threaten them, to defend himself and Killua so that neither of them has to be in that position ever again.

(And he’s going to kick the crap out of that over-confident Spider jerk).

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure that I'm getting Gon's characterization as much as I'd like to, but it's nice to finally put some writing out regardless!
> 
> (I'm thinking about starting a series of these scene-retelling fics to help me get the hang of writing the main four...thoughts?)


End file.
